30 Things Married Men Need to Know


  1. Put on your wedding band.
  2. If you don’t pamper your wife, someone else will try.
  3. If she brings you to her friends, hold her by the waist and show them she’s yours.
  4. If you bring her to your friends, protect her and stay by her side.
  5. There will always be men waiting to have sex with your wife.
  6. Any woman around you is seducing you in her eyes.
  7. Any man around you is teaching you the wrong values.
  8. Every woman hopes her man is successful. So does your wife.
  9. If you are busy with work before marriage, you better make sure you’re not after the vow.
  10. The 2483 sweet things you’ve done will automatically be void the moment your voice goes above 76dB when talking to her.
  11. You are not allowed to use your index finger, or any other fingers to point at her.
  12. Never talk about her hair. Or body. Or dress.
  13. The sex-sessions per week will go down. Drastically.
  14. Cut the numbers in #13 by 50% further if you have kids.
  15. Don’t compare her with your ex(es), even when they behave the same.
  16. Be the sole-breadwinner, or the major financial source. Or you’ll die under the rains of fire.
  17. Nothing is more important than her sleep.
  18. Everything you do can be used as a reason not to have sex with you.
  19. When in doubt, keep your mouth shut.
  20. Pick up some skills. Learn to masturbate.
  21. There is no personal space. Your space is hers, and her space is hers.
  22. So is money
  23. Anything she is doing requires your help. Anything you do, don’t be a pussy and do it yourself.
  24. Compliment her, even when she’s holding a knife in her hand.
  25. Women love to cuddle, unless she’s growling.
  26. Your work/game/email(s) doesn’t have a penis.
  27. If she’s not laughing, stop trying to be funny and shut up.
  28. You’ll grow ugly one day.
  29. Morning cunnilingus is not the same as morning blowjob.
  30. You’ll be a philosopher one day.

41c1d-originalAndy Lawson is the average man on the street that you’ll not even trouble yourself looking at him if he passes by you. He’s sensitive to bullshit, and he hates mediocrity in most people.

He is the author of his self-published book: Facts and Fiction of Fengshui: Facts that Masters are NOT Telling You.

He doesn’t have Facebook or Twitter, because he hates to be associated with people who tend to be passive-aggressive online, but he does have a very limited set of vocabularies, terrible grammar, a twisted mind that makes himself God in his own twisted world and an ability to communicate with people who wish to be his friend.

8 responses to “30 Things Married Men Need to Know

  1. These are great. Thank you for the awards, but I am one who doesn’t do awards anymore. This does not in any way diminish your thoughtful nomination and I am truly grateful. Thank you so much.


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