Being My Significant Other Is Tough

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I had this thought as I was traveling to work this morning, and after having sorted it out, my verdict was: Yes, it’s tough.

Why would I describe myself like this? Well, you don’t understand.

I’m a guy who likes to joke – you’ll know if you have been following my blog (if you haven’t, what are you waiting for?). It’s just part of me; my way, my life, and my nonsensical sense of incorrect humour. Although I spend a great deal of effort trying to be politically correct (come on people, we know that “right” jokes aren’t funny, and funny jokes aren’t “right”), I slip past my red tapes once a while just so I can feel the sense of “being free”.

You bet I do have some lines I don’t cross, no matter what. Jokes that are derogatory in nature, or jokes that invoke racism are a no no to me. I mean, why would I want to be a racist, when the only race I hate is the one I have to run (old joke, I know. Shut up)?

I don’t want to start a whole new defamation suit against me – after all, lawyers here are busy enough going after people who speak without being able to substantiate what they claim. I prefer to corroborate what I am talking about. Being opinionated is fine, but a straight up “you are sucking money!” is definitely defamatory with or without proof. You don’t even need anyone to tell you that.

So what’s with me that makes the life of my other half – namely my wife – tough? Here’s what I’m trying to talk about:

#1. Sometimes, it’s about her

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If what they say is true, then my tongue is the only organ with the strongest muscle.

Occasionally, my jokes will revolve around her, and as you know, jokes are nasty. If you can laugh it off like a man without taking them to heart, we’ll have a good laugh and that’ll be the end of it. But truth is, my wife’s a woman.

And you know the thing about women. They can be sensitive.

Jokes that are going to include her have to avoid terms like “fat”, “plump”, “sex”, “glutton”, and any phrases that she deems wrong. Trust me, her dictionary is too thick and ever-changing to even know what are the buttons I can’t press. And the updates to her list come more regular than updates for Adobe Flash Player.

On the other side of things, I have a mouth that I find hard to control at times. So now you know, how our fights usually start.

#2. Sometimes, it’s about myself

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I’m no further from the edge even if I put myself as the target.

After all, she’s my spouse. Any jokes that circle around “unhappy married man”, or “the guy with a poor taste” mean that she’s…. you’ll get what I’m saying.

#3. Sometimes, it’s about people around her

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My son was born with a head a little bigger in proportion to other parts of his body. His PD used the word “biggish” to describe it when he was an infant. Not a big deal; he’s healthy and growing. Everything’s good except…the size of his head.

And yes, you may have guessed it already, I joke about it too.

Once a while, I’ll call him by the name of “big head”, or “mushroom”, just to name a few. When the weather was good, we’d laugh it off as a family because it would be a funny joke. But when it’s “stormy”, it’s ludicrous.

Don’t get me wrong. I’m not writing this because I am ranting about my life. I’m writing this because I’m a blogger. I write about EVERYTHING.

So congratulations to you, dear reader. You’ve learnt a bit more about me again.

 

41c1d-originalAndy Lawson is the average man on the street that you’ll not even trouble yourself looking at him if he passes by you. He’s sensitive to bullshit, and he hates mediocrity in most people.

He is the author of his self-published book: Facts and Fiction of Fengshui: Facts that Masters are NOT Telling You.

He doesn’t have Facebook or Twitter, because he hates to be associated with people who tend to be passive-aggressive online, but he does have a very limited set of vocabularies, terrible grammar, a twisted mind that makes himself God in his own twisted world and an ability to communicate with people who wish to be his friend.

 

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