I’ve been into fights, and fought
boys men bigger than me. I was trained in Tae Kwon Do and Chinese kung fu when I was a kid, and I’ve been to tournaments representing the club(s) I trained with and walked home with the national medals for the categories I had contested for. My name is Andy Lawson.
Having got called into the Police Headquarters for fights that happened in my head and walked home like a
boy man, I am confident to say I’m very qualified to teach you some tips on becoming a Kungfu master, or a martial arts expert as some of you call in your country. To hell with lessons that make you pay monthly fees, and forget about dreaming to be like Donnie Yen. With the tips I’m sharing from my experiences, I am sure that anyone of you reading this will be a master in no time, and capable of disarming any dangerous guy holding on to that broom pretending to sweep the corridor of your office.
#1 Chest out, stomach in
This is not rocket science. Confidence is the key to making your opponent feel weak.
Have you ever been in any hostile situation, where you just feel your legs going jelly when you stare at that the guy in front of you? That’s because he’s more confident than you.
Now, to impact your opponent psychologically, the first thing you need to do is show him that you are dangerous. “Chesting out” is a good way to use your body to show that you are not to be trifled with.
Stare deep into his/her eyes, and not look away.
Unless you are Jason Voorhees, you’ll need a pair of dangerous looking eyes to show what you are capable of. Perhaps a little eye shadow or fake eyelashes could help you in that.
#3 Inch nearer
That’s the trick here, people.
When you are standing tall and strong, with your chest out and your eyes staring into the soul of your opponent, the next thing you must do is to inch nearer to him/her.
He/she will feel the threat, and every steps (even mini steps) you take will pull a little of his/her soul out of the body.
#4 Nose tip to nose tip
Stand so near to him/her that your nose is just trembles away to touching his/hers.
You’ve watched WWE, and you know how intimidating it is.
#5 Kiss him/her on the lips
Now, that’s what will make your opponent go crazy. Trust me.
#6 Swing your arms
If you haven’t watched Chinese action films already, you should.
There’s a reason Bruce Lee, Jet Li and Donnie Yen swing their arms so wide. Do you really think they’re for theatrical effects?
Hell no! Swinging your arms widen the protection bubble around you, and your opponent dare not come any inch near you.
His opponent died from hearing his screams
Bruce Lee did this. ‘Nuff said.
#8 Flick your nose with your thumb
Refer to point #7
#9 Be Promiscuous
Hug your opponent if you need to.
In every fight, the parties involved will get sweaty and smelly. That’s the biological design of humans. But that must not deter you from getting nearer to your opponent.
Only when you disregard the pungent odour emitting from the armpits of your opponent, will you be able to use yours to your benefit.
Having taught you what you need to know to be a master in 30 minutes, I am sure that you will be able to take down any enemy below the age of 10. Therefore, I must congratulate you on completing Andy Lawson’s Martial Arts’ Master Crash Course.
You may now open up to accept disciples to pass on the legacy.
Andy Lawson is the average man on the street that you’ll not even trouble yourself looking at him if he passes by you. He’s sensitive to bullshit, and he hates mediocrity in most people.
He is the author of his self-published book: Facts and Fiction of Fengshui: Facts that Masters are NOT Telling You.
He doesn’t have Facebook or Twitter, because he hates to be associated with people who tend to be passive-aggressive online, but he does have a very limited set of vocabularies, terrible grammar, a twisted mind that makes himself God in his own twisted world and an ability to communicate with people who wish to be his friend.