I talk to myself. A lot. Many times when I observed things around me, I’d talk to myself as if there was another me to discuss with things that I have seen. Of course, you can be assured that I wasn’t literally talking to myself, but it’s more of an internal talk that I have inside me. Like a left brain and right brain intimate relationship. It’s just that I have yet to figure out how to bring this level of intimacy into another level. Hehe.
When I was a kid, still in school lining up for classes and holding the hands of the girl who would sit besides me in class, my teacher used to teach us this: talking to ourselves is not normal, and it is a sign of lunacy. I have a pretty decent brain, so, time to time, I’d remember certain things that took place in my life that others tend to not want to remember. And so, this is how I remember that, till date, I’m still a lunatic.
But I have another side of me – the logical and unbiased side – that gets awaken from the deep sleep occasionally. Sometimes, I’d look back and ask myself (yeah, another sign of me talking to Andy again), “What’s so bad about talking to myself?”
I couldn’t find an answer that would prove this wrong, so I’m going to give in to the temptation to give up. I’m not going to search for an answer to this.
I have an answer to why talking to myself is actually good.
Whenever things happen, I’ll have 2 sides of me to manage the situations for me. One will be the impulsive side, which will lure me into doing something or anything on impulse. The other is the analytical side, which will breakdown the situations into pieces for me, and then suggest a few ways out of the issues. The 2 of them will discuss, and I will decide which are the best ways to manage what happened. Technically, I have 3 sides. One is just mainly deciding.
Ever noticed that I seldom used the word “should” in my blog? Well, usually the word “should” would have been sorted out by the 2 guys in my brains before I bring the conclusion out into reality.
I’ve looked back at my life’s past journeys, and I thought about what would have happened if I DID NOT have these 2 guys living inside me. I concluded my thoughts with one word: TRAGIC. I’m going to use a story to prove my point here.
On time, I was on board a bus on my way home. It was the evening rush hour, and the queue was crazy. Essentially, it was the same everyday, and it had became a norm for us commuters to be part of the endless line of humans. So, putting on my earphones, I waited patiently for the bus to arrive, and once it had, I waited for the queue to move in order to board.
I have to mention here that throughout the whole waiting and boarding, I was doing nothing but only looking around (okay, my eyes were on my phone) with music playing into my ears through the not-so-secure earphones that Apple packaged together with the iPhone purchase.
As I was tapping my card during boarding, the queue came to a short halt, as people were sitting and moving around within the bus cabin looking for spaces to stand. So naturally, I stopped moving forward because the person in front of me stopped along with the queue.
Then I felt a push on my back from someone behind me.
I looked behind, and saw this guy – dressed sloppily and slinging on to two recyclable bags that were full of don’t-know-what on both his shoulders – looking at me with an I’m-provoking-you kind of look and smirk. The crowd was still moving, and there was no options for me to stop to question him. Hence, I turned back and continued walking towards the back of the bus.
That day was considered a lucky one, for I managed to find a seat on the second last row of the bus. I took off my bag from my shoulders, put it on my lap and sat my ass down to enjoy the short ride. It was a feeder bus service with only 4 stops in total, so the majority of the commuters would alight at the 2nd stop before the bus made a U-turn and headed back to the Interchange. It was also luck on my hands, because the guy who pushed me sat diagonally behind me, just on my right side.
I did not intend to pursue the matter, as I thought – I gave him the benefit of the doubt – that his push was unintentional. The crowd could have rushed into the bus, and he could, out of balancing himself, pushed me due whatever that happened beyond his control. I rested my ass and continued with the enjoying of the songs playing from my phone.
Then I heard someone talking.
Even though I could not make out what he was talking about, I was certain that it was somewhere along the line of verbal attacks using humiliating words. Curious about who and what, I turned my head to my right (it was coming from my right side). The other commuter, sitting across me on the right side of the bus, turned to me with a “what the fuck” look on his face. Thankfully, because of the way the earphones were designed, right earpiece loosened up a little as I turned my head. That was when I heard a voice diagonally behind me saying, “Some people just aren’t human…..ill disciplined, no family upbringing….*blurring speech*”
I turned my head and looked at the guy who pushed me earlier. He rolled his eyes up and tilted his head left and right with arrogance when he saw me looking at him. The guy across me shrugged his shoulders before turning his head back.
Now, I’m a decent guy. I don’t usually like to pick fights with people, because, a) I’m married and b)I don’t want any troubles. But that doesn’t mean that I’m a guy to be bullied. When I was a teenager, I fought, as a single and in groups, and I got into troubles everywhere I went. Until the point my parents told me this, “Either you change yourself at home now, or we’ll leave you to change in the Boys’ Home.” That ultimatum came as I was exiting the Secret Societies’ Branch for an investigation regarding my involvement in secret societies’ activities. So, I’ll have you know from this paragraph that I’m not someone who’s afraid of getting into trouble. I’m someone who has changed. That simple.
Now, back to the story.
I took off my earphones, and in a courteous tone, I turned and asked the man who was still arrogantly tilting his head, “Excuse me, are you talking to me?”
“People, I’m talking about people. There’re so many people here in this bus, what makes you think I’m talking about you?”
That’s it. He WAS talking about me. Don’t ask me how I knew that, but my experiences in the society told me that. It was affirmative. Looking at this provocation that came out of nowhere, I had to make my move already. That was when the 2 guys inside my head started to talk to each other.
“Okay, what now? Confront him?”
“No, you shouldn’t do that.”
“You’ll lose control and you might get into trouble if you lay your hands on him.”
“That’s not a bad idea. He deserves some punishment for his arrogance.”
“That’s a bad idea. In the eyes of the law, you’ll be the one in the wrong.”
“But I’m not going to take it lying down just like that.”
“What harm has he done to you?”
“Then live and let live. Leave him alone.”
“But he’s not leaving me alone, and I did nothing to him to deserve his provocations.”
“I told you, he’s nuts.”
“Yes, he is. That’s why he needs someone to wake him up.”
“Okay…let us talk about this. What’s the objective here?”
“Stopping him. A punch on his bloody mouth might do the trick.”
“No, that’s out. You’ll get into trouble yourself. Think about the baby waiting for you at home.”
“Okay. In that case, stand up and confront him and get him to shut up.”
“No, that’ll not work. He’ll use that ‘I’m not talking about you’ argument to put you into a tight spot.”
“Then how the hell am I supposed to stop him?”
“I can’t do that.”
“You should leave your seat, get away from him.”
“The bus is crowded.”
“I got it. Take off your earphones.”
“Take off your earphones. He’ll know that you are listening to him, and he’ll stop.”
“And you suggested this?”
“You should try, before deciding that it’ll not work.”
And so I did. I took off my earphones, curled them up and kept them in my bag. That guy shut his trap immediately, and there wasn’t another word from him. What would happen if I didn’t talk to myself? I would have, out of impulse:
Punched him – I’m not afraid to, if he really did piss me off that bad.
Pulled him down the bus
Kicked him where it’d hurt – in his case, his crotch.
Pulled his collar
I’m not going to lie. I was still very mad after I took off my earphones. But the other guy inside me managed to pacify me to calm me down before I got into the impetuous mode.
And so you see, talking to ourselves aren’t that bad after all. If your self-talking is limited to decision making and analyzing of situations, such as, “Wow, this girl’s HOT!”, then it’s perfectly normal to talk to yourself.
Just don’t speak it out and make it public for everyone to hear.
Andy Lawson is the average man on the street that you’ll not even trouble yourself looking at him if he passes by you. He’s sensitive to bullshit, and he hates mediocrity in most people. He is the author of his self-published book: Facts and Fiction of Fengshui: Facts that Masters are NOT Telling You. He doesn’t have Facebook or Twitter, because he hates to be associated with people who tend to be passive-aggressive online, but he does have a very limited set of vocabularies, terrible grammar, a twisted mind that makes himself God in his own twisted world and an ability to communicate with people who wish to be his friend.