5 top reasons why guys can’t hook up after dates (From the POV of a guy)

Date : 18th November 2013

Today’s a great day. I woke up feeling so great—I had been down with a nasty sinusitis for the past 2 weeks. I thought I would be down again for this week also, when I miraculously recovered with a secret that I discovered! HEH!

Today’s a great day. The first email I received was an email from Jacqueline informing that I would be allowed to link this post to her blog post for what I’m writing today.

 The email that starts this nonsensical post that you are reading. Credits to Jacqueline.

The email that starts this nonsensical post that you are reading. Credits to Jacqueline.

Today’s a great day. I woke up with an inspiration to write, and I’m excited about it.

Today’s a great day.

Shut up.

Yesterday was great also. Had a wonderful day at the zoo with my family—my sis, her kids, my cousin, missus, master Lawson, and of course, myself! Yes yes, it was drizzling the whole afternoon yesterday, I knew about it. Mr Universe showed me the signs by dripping a few drops of sky-juices on my head and made my stylish hair wet.

I think I still look great.

I think I still look great.

But that didn’t stop us from going—the entrance was FREE! HAH!

You sure it's free, right?

You’re sure it’s going to be free, right??

Like any other family day, everyone got exhausted and hungry when evening came. No, we didn’t decide for dinner at Singapore Zoo. You’re an idiot to suggest paying $10.50 for a plate of chicken rice, or a $3.50 for a kaya-butter roti. You’re an idiotic brat to suggest if you are rich. Period. For your information—in case your Lamborghini or your expensive Mercedes Benz that your dad bought for you never did let you experience this—SBS Transit bus no. 138 goes from Mandai Zoo to Ang Mo Kio Bus Terminal. And for your information also, Ang Mo Kio Bus Terminal is located at Ang Mo Kio Central—a place of great hawker foods, eateries and tomatoes. That was where we decided to settle our hunger.

The big TOMATO!

The iconic symbol of Ang Mo Kio

A good friend of mine opened a shop selling fruits at Ang Mo Kio, and we happened to walk past en route to S-11 AMK. The usual formalities that many educated people seem to find it difficult—say hi—followed.

“Hey! Ho sey bo?”

“Great! Taken your dinner? Wanna join us?”

“Busy now. Later, perhaps. Family day today?”

“Yes man! Family day!”

“Enjoy your dinner. Come by later when you are done.”

“Sure. Come by later.”

“If you don’t come, I’ll go your house.”

 “Come my house then. Haha!”

 “Haha! Seeya!”

 “Seeya!”

Family Day.

FAMILY.DAY.

F.A.M.I.L.Y D.A.Y.

Family Day: an important day to reinforce the importance of the family. This iconic event is initiated and championed by the Lawson Family Council (LFC). 

Source: wikilawsonpedia.bullshit.com 

I am glad to be able to have Family Day any weekend that I want to. I am blessed with a family of my own, and the bonding between families of my siblings and mine. But to some of my peers, they find conclude that finding a partner to start a future is a task that is harder than anything  in this world.

“I can’t find the right one leh” –Mr X

“You are handsome mah.” (wait, what?!) –Mr handsome but low self esteem

“You know how to talk. I don’t” –Mr speaker.

Hold on. Are we talking about looks, chances and ability to converse being the top criteria for finding a life partner?

You people are my bitches now

You people are my bitches now

Please.

Girls don’t friendzone, or reject you for no reasons. (Don’t flame me ladies—I’m speaking from the views of an self-proclaim experienced skirt chaser) If there were any reasons for not finding a partner/girlfriend/lover/flinger, the reasons would be:

1. YOUR APPEARANCE

Dude, you want the best girl you can find. The girl that would care and get jumpy-angry over you not doing your literal crapping today. Or that one girl that would always call to remind you to change your panty-liners so that you don’t stain nor stink. You want the girl that care for you this much. Someone that gets worried over your intestinal or erectional release. You do, right?

Then SUIT UP!

Okay, not exactly suiting up. Singapore’s hot and humid; suiting up means getting yourself stinking, and that’s not what I’m going to suggest. I tried suiting up before, and I looked like an outcast. So, no. No suit. But, dress up!

At the very least, it’s not hard to get into a shirt. Buttons are not scary, trust me.   Source: http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/31300000/Barney-Stinson-barney-stinson-31316027-1910-2560.jpg

At the very least, it’s not hard to get into a shirt. Buttons are not scary, trust me.
Source: http://images5.fanpop.com/image/photos/31300000/Barney-Stinson-barney-stinson-31316027-1910-2560.jpg

Appearance matters, really. Image, impression, neatness, clean-look, wow-effects. Guys, do you even spell them? Thanks to the various medias, we have been grinded into our minds how ladies appreciate substance over looks. So it has become a scary phenomenon that guys take it so easy to try to build up their substances in liquid forms.

Regrettably.

Now guess what? YOU ARE FUCKING WRONG.

Yes, I can’t agree more that ladies are intelligent creatures. They know how to appreciate the inner beauty of men. But you know what? Not before how you woo them with your looks.

No, no. It doesn’t matter if you are a highly educated couch potato. The first 7 seconds is simply too short for you to recite the whole of Shakespeare’s works to impress. IT.IS.TOO.FUCKING.SHORT. Unless you are able to catch a girl off-guard and started blurting nonsense from your mouth even before she could see you, then all that matters for stage 1 is how YOU FUCKING LOOK.

So guys, please get cleaned-shaved (unless you look manly with beard), neat, smart and make sure you smell nice. Walking burritos are not awesome, really.

You see, the visual attraction acts as the first comfort you can ever give a lady. But that alone won’t work. Of course, especially if you are

2. NOT PUTTING UP A SMILE ON YOUR FACE

Shit.

I never thought that I would have to tell you this. But, have you forgotten to smile?

This looks so much better.

This looks so much better.

Now, take a moment of silence and think deep from your rectum. Why are there girls going crazy over Korean male singers? In case it’s still unclear to you: it’s because they freaking LOOK GOOD SMILING!

You really don’t think they understand their language, do you?

That cool angry look is so passé; it’s no longer what girls are looking for now. You have to smile. Yes I know it’s hard—up there and down there—but you have to try. Ladies won’t feel good going on a date with someone who has got Botox over-dose on their face. You might unconsciously invite a fight, and that wonderful lady might have to protect you. Which means,

3. YOU ARE A PUSSY

It is okay to get dirty at times—ask Carly Rea Jepsen.

It is even all right to have your own way of showing how manly you can get, maybe like jumping on a chair to appear larger so that you can scare that thumb sized spider to save your girl. Or add in some high pitch screams in order to bravely and mercifully sparing its life. But never, never, ever release the saline from your eyes thinking that it is going to be the natural spider repellent.

Source: memegenerator.net

Source: memegenerator.net

Ladies welcome tears of emotion, not fears.

This is just not fair. I know.

Shut up.

Don’t be a pussy and compare, nor

4. EXPECT TO BE TREATED FAIRLY

Shit.

Dude, you are looking for a partner who is going to love you, care for you, someone that is going to be your life-long friend who will be there for you through thick or thin, right? Do you even understand that it means she’s going to put her life years of youth—the most valuable time of her life—into your hands? (okay, even if they are not years of youth, they are still valuable) If she’s yours, and she’s not going to compare and complain about how she could be having lots of fun out there with guys who are funnier, handsomer, richer, caring-er and awesomer, what is wrong with you to want fairness?

Unless of course, if she does compare you with other guys—ditch her.

Love is not about being fair. Your job as a man is to dote and love her dutifully, and unconditionally. That is, of course, after she’s yours. Anyway, now, as a man, you should never even think of

5. SUPERIORITY

Many years ago, when I was still in a relationship with my missus , a few of my friends came in between us. Those guys, instead of giving us their blessings for our relationship, decided to attempt in GTA-styled of snatching (heh, joke was on them. I’ll tell you why) missus away from me. For the record, I never denied my friends the opportunities if they thought they would be confident enough to woo her away from me.

You want her number? Here it is. 

You want to send her home? By all means, if she agree.

You want to chat with her on the phone? Call her. 

Yes, I never denied them the chances to. Some people call me cocky; I consider myself confident.

A friend of mine asked me for her numbers, on the pretext of having a secondary mobile number to call should he could not reach me. And guess what? That guy called her to chat on the phone!

How creative.

So, it didn’t matter to me if he was going to go all out to woo her. I live by a belief that if MY friends were able to woo her away, anyone would be able to also. I would rather the girl I love be with my friend than with someone else I won’t know who, right? Okay, I’m not that great. I’m just being condescending.

So, this Mr Nice  called her up, tried to pick up a chat with missus. Fine by me. But…

Source: memegenerator.net

Source: memegenerator.net

He started to spread rumours about me to missus, so that he could stand out from competition.

Really? Was that even necessary?

Thankfully, my missus was educated enough to judge and she decided quickly what were rumours, and what were truths. She was quick to let me know about this. Me, being the decent good o’ guy that never took offence in stupid stuffs like this, decided to brush it off. Because I know, EDUCATED WOMEN ARE CLEAR MINDED ENOUGH TO BE INFLUENCED. 

Sure, he wasn’t ready to take the defeat, and he (not knowing that I knew about his schemes) decided to ask US out for dinners and suppers. Of course, of course… his limited knowledge in communicating with girls only made him a bigger joke than he already was.

During our dinners and suppers, he would-sadly-try all his best to demean me by saying things like:

“Wow, you are fat.”

 “I can see your fats bouncing when you walk.”

 “Bui eh! What’s for dinner?”

Wow. Those were demeaning. But hey, am I really fat? You’ll be the judge.

This is me, fucker.

This is me, fucker.

Verdict from missus? I’m not fat; he’s skinny. FUCKING skinny. Yet he had the balls to call me bui eh.

I wasn’t offended (okay, a little), and missus was nice to laugh it off with me. That made him the…. joke chicken?

Who let out the chicken?

Source: memegenerator.net

Yes, he ended up becoming the joke between missus and me. Enduring yet not accepting the shame he brought upon himself, he started to think from his dick and made fun of….my girl?

Bad move.

Luck was on him, when missus—the sweet lady as always—decided to give him her signature sweet expression.

I love your jokes. They are so hilarious.  Source: http://www.portrait-photos.org/_photo/4452609.jpg

I love your jokes. They are so hilarious.
Source: http://www.portrait-photos.org/_photo/4452609.jpg

Duh…..

Lesson  101, guys: Always respect ladies.

That comes above everything else.

That’s right. Guys, is it even so hard to respect ladies? When you failed to do so, you have failed in getting into her skirts. And once you have failed to get into her skirts, all you can do is to sit quietly at home in your underwear and read the papers.

While you masturbate.

Contrary to popular beliefs, ladies are not hard to comprehend. What they need are just what you need also, probably just in different forms. Come’ on, your need for a tender touch from a lady is almost identical to their need for a touch from the man they love. Is it really that hard to understand?

You want a lady to love you, respect you. So instead of waiting for it to happen, YOU FUCKING MAKE IT HAPPEN. Everything else comes after that.

You want love? Love her and she’ll love you.

You want a pretty girl? Then make yourself handsome.

You want your girl to respect you? Then respect her.

You want a lady that you can proudly show off to your friends? How about being the boyfriend that she would be proud to bring to her family?

I’m not going to go into details of dating / blind-dating. The horrors Jacqueline went through are enough to remind you what you CAN’T do to a lady, especially on a first date.

Read it up, dumbass(es).

 

Andy Lawson is the average man on the street that you’ll not even trouble yourself looking at him if he passes by you. He’s sensitive to bullshit, and he hates mediocrity in most people. He is the author of his self-published book: Facts and Fiction of Fengshui: Facts that Masters are NOT Telling You. He doesn’t have Facebook or Twitter, because he hates to be associated with people who tend to be passive-aggressive online, but he does have a very limited set of vocabularies, terrible grammar, a twisted mind that makes himself God in his own twisted world and an ability to communicate with people who wish to be his friend.

 

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